tangledthoughts.ca

If you can't achieve the look yourself….I've failed at my job

Grief

I don’t know what image I’m going to use for this, but lets talk about grief.  Grief from loosing a pet, a sibling, a friend, a parent or a child.  I’ve gone through three losses (sister,cat,mother – in that order) so far.  What got me thinking about this topic was this week I had a number of people grieving the loss of pets, and one a family member.  One friend was just beside himself with

I don't think my Dad would approve of me using the family casket pic,  so here's a sunset

I don’t think my Dad would approve of me using the family casket pic, so here’s a sunset

the prospect of not having his cat of twenty years for much longer. The other person seemed shocked by her  depth of grief for a recently departed pet.  But when you’ve had a furry friend for over 20 years, fed him, protected, nurtured you’re going to take a while to as my father would say, ‘to let your kidneys descend from your eyes’.  I think the first thing that shocks people is how the grief ebbs and flows.  You think your getting over it and then you have a moment, and your gulping for air – sobbing at really inconvenient moments.

A lot of people seem to dwell on what life will be like when the person or pet is gone, you can’t do that.  You will only know how life will be  when death happens, and then you find that you will most likely move through the mourning.  Being brought up a good little WASP, I have the the personal experience of just shoving grief down, having a stiff upper lip, and not dealing with the death at hand.  I had a sister die when I was 16, I didn’t deal with the grief at the time and even 10 years later just the mention of her name could choke me up.  If you don’t deal with it, then the grief will linger with you for years.  On the other hand, when my mother died when I was 36, I went through all the ‘stages’.  I don’t think there are stages of grief when a loved one dies, I believe there are ‘levels’ of grief.  Part of it is adjusting to never hearing your loved one again or coming to grips with the fact that any stories, family history, recipes, etc are gone with them and any issues you might have had with them are….dead for lack of a better word.   At two years after my Mother’s death, I could be caught off guard and get quite choked if I thought of her (the first New Year’s Eve was a nightmare), but by four years I was ok and now at 10 I’ve gone through the different levels, the kidneys detach from the eyes, and I can talk quite freely about my mother and sister and even the cat (I had him 13 years if your curious)

Regardless of whether it’s a pet or parent or child you loose, we all feel pain, but it’s how we deal with it that is shared, and whether we fight it or accept the permanent loss and move on with the memories is the only choice given to you.  You don’t get brownie points for suffering endlessly.

And finally, people do weird sh&$ during grief.  You’ve got to be prepared for that, not just the snarky comments, the phone calls unreturned to friends, some spur of the moment round the world trips, sudden selling of ALL the furniture or just the good old fashion bandage of food and booze.  If you’ve been through it, you forgive this wackiness for whomever is currently muddling through.

For example, my sister was concerned about my mother’s grave site  being partially in the shade, ‘she doesn’t like the shade, she’ll be cold’….or my Father wanting a picture of the family by my Mother’s casket (one last family portrait?) at the end of the service….told you weird sh$% happens during grief.  In all fairness to them, I was on enough meds to be one stop away from being a drooling mess in the corner.

So petals, get your friends to subscribe and follow the blog, it’s so good for my and Teccrab’s ego or like my tangledthoughts.ca Facebook page.  I hope this helps some of you(a few good turds of wisdom I think), I actually giggled thinking back to my Mother’s funeral and the bizarre moments surrounding the event.  You see?  Grief is gone, just memories and stories to tell.  Your welcome.

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This entry was posted on June 13, 2014 by in random thoughts, Wisdom and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .
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